Best. Quote. Ever.

The other day, my sister Trisha says to my sister Stacey,

"If Kristen didn't get the shit end of the stick, she wouldn't have a stick at all"

It wouldn't be nearly as funny if it wasn't so true.

A week later

So we've been home for just over a week. Thank goodness! That hospital "Bed" (recliner) was not fun at all.

Dustin's 2nd surgery to put his permanent PD catheter in went well. No hitches or anything. He felt pretty bad after it. We were set to be released the day after and the Dr. took FOREVER to get to us to put in the release order. We waited 2 hours for him. We were dying to get out of there. Finally when we could go, Dustin struggled to move. He didn't feel well at all. That kept up for the next couple days and Sunday/Monday he finally he started feeling better. We got home Wednesday night and by Tuesday he was driving himself to dialysis.

Things have been going relatively well. Dustin's dialysis appointments have been going decent. He's had a couple times that he's had a few problems with but no huge problems. Adjusting to the diet has been a pain. I go to the store and look at every single label for anything I buy. Everything in America is full of sodium!! Holy cow, it seems the boy can't eat anything, but in reality I just can't use much that's pre-packaged. Everything must be made by me. I can cook...I know this. The problem is, I don't like to cook and the earliest I get home from work is 6:15 (usually later). By time I get home get something started we won't be eating til 8:00!! I'm hungry at 6:30! What it comes down to is better planning on my behalf. I've realized I just have to make my mornings earlier and plan meals in the morning or the night before. Fish also suggested I take my days off and cook lots then freeze the meals. That's a good idea I'm going to have to try out. Of course, I must find recipes we like first. I have generally got on his diet. Sometimes I'll add salt to mine where he can't see. Shhhhh...don't tell. haha. Actually he wouldn't care. He'd tell me to do it. It's just easier for me to eat what he eats.

Anyway, our second biggest pain in the butt is adjusting the dogs to not sleeping with us. You'd think we were torturing the poor things! Pantala (the female) goes in the cage, very sadly, sits down accepts her fate. Not a peep from her. Pippin (the male) goes in the cage, very freaked out, and barks...and whines...and squeaks....and barks again. Then he scratches on the doors. All of which we can hear perfectly in our room. Pantala goes in without complaint. Why can't he!? He starts when we put him in...15-30 mins later he stops. He'll start again at about 3:00 a.m. Then again around 6:30. It's worse then a kid!! haha. Finally last night we transfered them to the garage. We can still hear him but it's much more muted. Hopefully he gets used to it because it really is kind of sad. He seriously freaks out...starts shaking and gets nervous. It makes me feel super bad.

Other then that, adjustments have been ok. I'm not sure Dustin is used to the idea of tubes coming out of him yet. He went to the Dr. Wednesday for his week after surgery check up and they took off the bandages and it was the first time he saw how long the tube out of his stomach was. I think it kind of bothered him. This whole time it's been all wrapped up under the tape so you really couldn't see it. I've never seen it all out (I had to work and couldn't go to the apt in Tucson) but from seeing the shape through the tape I'd guess it's at least 7 inches long if not more. He'll get used to it and maybe even learn to love it because it's that tube which will be keeping him alive.

You know, I've read of people hating dialysis. I get it. I don't do it, but I watch someone I love have to go through it. I get that you hate that you have to go, but how can you literally hate it? I love it. Seriously. How can I hate a technology that keeps my husband alive? I just really can't do it. Sure, it's not all peaches and cream going and sitting in a clinic for 4 hours, but I just don't see hating something that gives you life. Just doesn't make sense to me. So I just have to say it...I LOVE DIALYSIS!! What I hate is that Dustin's kidney is broken. That' what I hate.

Happy Anniversary

Dustin hadn't been feeling 100%. A week before last week, he stayed a few days home from work. He was tired, had no energy, a little nauseated, shortness of breath...it seemed like the flu. I asked him if he wanted to see the Dr. he said, maybe if I don't feel better. Friday he went to work, they sent him home half day, just to give him time to relax. Monday morning he went to work. Tuesday morning he went to work, but before work I heard him dry heaving. I texted him later to see if he felt ok. He said he just felt tired and had a slight pain in his side. I asked him if he wanted me to book him a Dr. appointment and he said yeah. So Tuesday he went to the Dr. They ordered some blood work on his kidney and he did it on Wednesday.

Thursday Nov. 4th, our 4 year anniversary

I was at work. Dustin stayed home that day. Me and my dad were working on something and Dustin showed up at the studio. My dad looked at him and said, "We can finish this later. It looks like Dustin has something on his mind." I say, "Dustin never has anything on his mind." I never looked at him. The studio phone rings, I answer. It's Dr. Kartchner. He asks if I talked to Dustin lately. I say kinda. Then he proceeds to say, "Well we're sending him to Tucson." (I'm lucky I didn't drop a swear word to the Stake Pres. right then and there) I was shocked! He asked if my schedule was clear so I can go with him. I get off the phone and look at Dustin for the first time and he looks terrified. When Dr. K called him and told him his creatinine levels were high Dustin asked if his kidney was failing and Dr. K said "it looks like" it. What goes through my mind...Holy crap...what's going on...not his kidney...it's got to be something else...this isn't really happening...I have tons to do in 2 hours before we leave...I'm scheduled to speak in Tennessee next week...

I rushed home, packed some bags, we went to see Dr K and off we were to Tucson. The drive over was mellow. I was trying to give Dustin hope, but he was certain of what it was. I think I was in denial. I was certain there's no way this could be happening.

When we got to the hospital they immediately took some blood to confirm the previous blood test was correct, got him hooked up with some monitors and took him for an ultrasound. After that there wasn't much going on. We didn't hear anything else that night. We both slept like crap. Happy Anniversary to us!!

Friday, November 5th

The morning was slow. A Dr. came by the room and said the blood test showed high creatinine, confirming the first one was right. He then talked about the ultrasound and me and Dustin both would swear he said it look normal. That's what we both heard, but he had an accent so we must have misunderstood. He said the Kidney Dr. would be by later to tell us more.

We were waiting to hear from the Kidney Dr. We were hoping it'd be soon. Around 10:30 Dustin's parents showed up. Shortly after Trisha showed and then his brothers and Grandma. We talked and laughed and still didn't hear from a Dr yet. I was getting frustrated because I needed to know and everyone else needed to know too. I'm pretty sure everyone else was certain what it was, but I still was in denial. Especially since we were certain that the morning Dr. said the Kidney looked normal.

Finally around 2:00 the Kidney Dr. showed. It was just me and Trisha (dustin sister) in the room. He sat down and asked a few questions about when they took his other kidney. Trisha went and got her mom because I knew none of the answers. She came in and the Dr. told his Dustin's kidney is shot. It doesn't look good at all on the ultrasound. It's so damaged he'd guess it's at about 5% use. (you only need 2%-3% to pee! There's some trivia for you!) If he doesn't get on dialysis he gives him 1-3 months to live. I was shocked. I tried to stop them, but I couldn't...tears slowly rolled down my face. I didn't sob...just slow tears. I really wanted to be strong for Dustin...I didn't want him to see me cry, but it was hard. It felt like a dream. This couldn't be happening. I seriously kept expecting the "just kidding" to soon follow. Instead it was followed by loads of information that I was struggling to retain. I happened to have my laptop out at the time and started yahoo messaging to my dad & Fish what the Dr. was saying so I could remember and then I decided to take notes to try to remember it all. Most of it went over my head. At this point, I was really happy the Dr. waited so long to come because Gene took it all in and asked questions that weren't on my mind at all and Jenifer answered question I didn't have a clue about. I kinda just sat there shocked.

We had to decide what type of dialysis to do & let the Dr. know what we picked. Who knew there were so many options? I told my family (most of Dustin's was here) and I had phone calls and texts coming in like crazy. On top of trying to figure out the whole dialysis thing, I had to decide what to do about Tennessee and I had to decide fast so we could tell them. I was supposed to fly out Sunday (Dustin too). I can't leave Dustin, but I have a commitment that's been planned for months. I was trying to keep up with it all and keep my head on, which was barely hanging there it felt like. I finally decided I couldn't go. I text my dad & Trisha and told them sorry. They both said I made the right choice. My dad let Tennessee know and they were very understanding, said they'd be praying for us and that they would rebook us for later after we get this worked out. I appreciate them tons.

That night Dustin's family headed home and Stacey, Brandon & the kids came up. They helped me get into a better relaxing state. Stacey, the kids and I went out to Outback Steakhouse while Brandon stayed with Dustin. It was good to get out of the hospital for a bit. When the server brought the food they forgot mine. All I ordered was Clam Chowder. Finally the server comes back around and I tell him I have no soup, and stacey says "At least she has her kidneys, her husband doesn't." haha. we laughed and the server looked as us like we were crazy. I find I have to laugh at these things to keep feeling normal. It's just the way I deal. Laugh during the day...if I need to cry it'll be at night.

Saturday, November 6th

We were woken up rather early with the nurse telling him they've scheduled him for surgery at 10:30 a.m.. They need to put a temporary vascular catheter in his chest to start dialysis immediately until we get the temporary one in. It was a quick procedure that literally lasted 15 mins I swear. It went good and as planned. Dustin parents came up again and he was groggy most the day because of the anesthesia. Later in the afternoon they had him scheduled for dialysis #1. When they showed up he asked how long it would be and they said about 3 hours or so. When the lady stepped out he turns to me, "Well that's not bad. That's just church. I can do that" haha. Made me laugh. Round 1 went fine. I asked Dustin if he wanted me to take a picture and he said yeah. The lady said that was a first. I was kinda surprised. I can't believe she's never had anyone else take a picture of the first treatment. I guess we're freaks!! The lady doing the dialysis had a lot of information that helped out a lot. The rest of the day was pretty plain & boring

Sunday, November 7th

Dialysis started first thing in the morning today at 7 a.m. This lady also had a ton of information for us. She helped out a lot. From talking to each different person, each time I see them it's helped me to start to understand a lot of it (coupled with tons of google searches). It's making mores sense now. After dialysis Fish and her fam showed up. They were there for an hour or so before basically everyone in my family (minus Mark and a few kids) showed. We talked for a bit and Trevor's family hit the road to Goodyear and the rest of us went to Olive Garden for lunch. On the way back Ashtyn insisted on getting a pedegg so she could rub Dustin feet. I told her she didn't have to, but she wanted to. She's a sweet thing. After family left, we just chilled and watched football.

We were hoping to go home today (Monday) but the Dr. came in and said that it'll be Tuesday at the soonest now. Today the surgeon that will put in his peritoneal catheter (in his stomach) will come by to talk to us and the procedure will be tomorrow. We really really hope we can go home after that and not stay til Wednesday. We will see.

So, really its been crazy. This snuck up on us. Dustin didn't feel 100% but at the same time he didn't have heavy signs his kidney was failing, yet it was almost gone. Dr. Kartchner told him how shocked he was that he looks so good. He should've looked like crap. Considering he had one kidney, you could say this was or should've been expected, but it wasn't. Plenty of people have one kidney, but they don't expect the other to fail. The Dr.'s who treated him while he was young said if he made it to 16 he'd be fine. They checked him regularly up to that point. This kidney is so bad that there's no way to know what caused it. Could be a number of things, not that it really matters why it happened.

We've decided to do a type of dialysis called peritoneal dialysis. We will be able to do it at home (or anywhere) instead of 3 times at the office. It gives more freedom for people who want to try to still work and live more normally. They will put another catheter through his stomach (tomorrow) and then we will have supplies shipped to our house monthly. All we need is saline and tubes so it shouldn't be too much. They say it's real simple and all you have to do is make sure you follow the rules and keep it sterile. It's easy to get an infection and if he does it will be real bad and nasty.

We're going to have to make a lot of changes....

We just got a cat, which we're advised not to have. My sister picked him up yesterday to keep him from now on.

Our dogs will be ok if we, 1. have a room designated for the saline transfers that the dogs cannot enter and 2. they can stay in the house, but no longer sleep with us (that'll be a hard adjustment for them and us.)

We're going to rip up all our flooring and replace it with fake wood that won't hold dust the way carpet does. The dogs have lived there for years. I don't want anything that's already there to cause problems. (no one told us to do this, I just thought it'd be a good idea)

Dustin will be put on a different type of diet. He has to watch his potassium, phosphorus, sodium and other things. Lots of fav's are off the list, but there are still plenty that are on the list. Most the food I have at home is no good.

Of course, learning the process we need to do and making sure we don't screw it up! That makes me nervous. I'm sure we'll get used to it.

Dustin will be restricted on things he can do. Not huge things as far as mobility, just little things like swimming and not sweating too much.

So from dang near the moment we hit the road to Tucson we've had people offering their kidneys left and right. The support and attitude of giving has been overwhelming. There have been family, close friends, casual friends, old friends, friends we've barely known...all willing to get tested to donate. That's what's touched me the most. Almost everyone says, "what do I do to get tested?" We appreciate everyones willingness to give. It's crazy.

As far as a transplant goes, there's a lot that has to happen first. First of course, they need to get us all set up to keep him alive until that's a reality :). We will get set up to do the hemodialysis at the clinic in Safford, until his stomach catheter heals. Then during that time, we'll also get training on how to do it at home. Once his stomach heals we'll be ready to roll at home. Once that is all set (or after we get set to do hemo in Safford) they will refer us to a clinic so we can start working on a transplant. Dustin will have to go through a lot of testing. After he is deemed "good for transplant" he will be put on a donor list. Then they will test anyone willing for a living donor. There's a lot for a donor to go through to be a match after they find out they have a compatible blood type. They will do every test in the book to make sure they are fully healthy as well. They will also be put under a psychological exam. They want to make sure the donor isn't doing it out of guilt or the feeling like they have to. It must be their decision. I also want to emphasize that. Related or not, I really don't want anyone to feel like they have to get tested. It's a big deal and I understand if anyone is uncertain about it. I don't expect it from anyone. Dustin is O+, so am I!!! :)

Overall we have a relatively good attitude about it. I have been blessed with an overwhelming feeling of calmness since we got here. I never got in a huge panic or crazy breakdowns or anything like that. I'm grateful for that. I am scared of all the changes we have to make, but that will just be a matter of adjusting. Just yesterday Dustin said it's just the little things he's going to miss. That's so true. It is the little things, but we'll adjust. I'm glad that we got him into the Dr. and they checked his kidney. I'm glad technology has treatment for this. Dustin could live forever on dialysis if he never gets a transplant. We laugh a lot about it and still make jokes (even about his poor little kidney). Just this morning while we were talking Dustin said, "...at least I'm still alive. I think I had one foot in Vining Funeral Home" It cracked me up. That is so him.

I'm not sure where this puts us for our last IVF. I was scheduled to go in this week and hopefully start before Thanksgiving but I've cancelled that because we need to get settled with this. Heaven knows, if I'm the best match to Dustin I'm giving him my kidney before I attempt to get pregnant. If that's the case, by then our contract to do our final IVF will have been expired, but that's ok. It'll be worth it.

I'm grateful to everyone who's been so willing to help and has showed concern. Our families and friends have been great. We've had lots of visit from people from home other then family which has helped keep positive thoughts. So thanks to everyone!

The Dreaming Tree has died...

...well almost died. Really there is a small chance it's still alive, but in my mind it has died.

I've been intentionally behind on my posts about IVF mainly because I was hoping that I could get PG then not really tell too many people until I was further along, but who am I kidding? As if me really getting pregnant is a reality. I've realized I'm better off trying to accept that it's never going to happen.

We've now done 2 IVF's. The first one really took place in July. The second one was a few weeks ago.

For the 2nd one I decided to try the power of positive thinking. I decided this time was going to work. It had to. It didn't go a ton better then the first. This time, we didn't get as many mature eggs and only 4 fertilized. By day 5 they looked better then they did last time, so that was good. I was dead set on transferring 3 no matter what the embryo quality was...I wanted 3 and was going to get 3. I won't go into any of the details, but after much discussion we ended up doing 2. I wasn't happy, but I couldn't do much about that. The 2 week wait I had literally convinced myself it worked. I stayed down for 3 days (the Dr. asks me to only do 24 hours) I could swear it was going to work. I positive thought myself right into a positive result. Really. I was so sure...until one morning. I woke up and I knew it. I knew it was negative. I could feel it in my body.

So this is serious. So serious it's scary. The 2 we didn't transfer this time didn't freeze, so we still have nothing frozen. One more try. Just one. That's really crazy to me. In less then 2 months it could all be over. We can't afford to keep dumping money into this. I'm terrified for the end and somewhat relieved all at the same time.

I terrified because I never really thought it would come to this. If you ever go through this it kind of happens in stages. You try to get pg and it doesn't work. You find acceptance that you need to see a Dr. You finally do and start basic treatments and think "ok good, it will work now." It doesn't. You have surgery and think, "ok good, it will work now." It doesn't. You get to the point where you accept that you have to try the more aggressive treatment. Again, you think, "ok good, it will work now." It doesn't. Now I am going to have to finally accept that I most likely will never have my own kids. There are no more stages...no more options. I never really thought that would be such a reality to me, but really it is. I truly believe with all my heart it is not going to happen. In fact, I believe it so much that if I didn't already have 50% of the drugs I need, I'd almost consider not doing the final cycle. (of course either way I'm sure I would end up doing it...really after what's been spent, at this point what's another $3000?) The last one was too much for me and I know this next one will be pretty much the same. I had to drive back and forth daily to either Tucson or Scottsdale and was always back by 11:30 or earlier. I was so sick of driving. I got up early so I can get there and get back to work. I worked til 9 or 10 to make up time that I missed.

I'm relieved because I can finally TRY let it go and move on. I'm not exactly sure how I plan to accomplish that because really since the last IVF I've been somewhat of a mess and on the edge of tears quit often over nothing major. I'm already a somewhat a recluse when it comes to socializing. I try to socialize but I always feel like I don't fit because generally women's conversations are about their kids or pregnancy and I don't fit. I usually go home feeling stupid. I know if I can let it go, it will be a huge relief, but I really don't know if I ever will. I'd like to not worry about it. I'd like to not think about it. I'd honestly like to not be pissed, depressed and drawn to tears every time I hear that someone else is pregnant. I don't know if I can really get to that point, but I know I'll have to. Really, I'll have no choice.

I really honestly promise to death, I am sick of feeling this way and avoiding people and their babies. It's really hard. Maybe I'll just have to work harder at it.

The LD

There hasn't been much going on in our lives (as always) but instead of making everything about the elusive child I can post about a few other things.

Lennie....
Lennie. We got a cat. Why? you say? Why? I say!!! Fish's cat had kittens and the poor mother went missing one day so she and her kids nursed them daily to keep them alive. Bless their hearts. The father of those kittens happened to be a cat the Dustin found in the desert and nicely gave to them. For some reason they end up with random animals and half of them come from my husband. So they kept joking that one was ours. Dustin kept talking about getting one, I kept telling him he was crazy and finally one day he said "Pantala wants a kitten. She told me" I told him he's crazy but whatever. So he runs out and gets the last kitten. Save the best for last was not the case with this thing. The first day we had him it was true, Pantala LOVED him. She licked him and layed with him and followed him everywhere he went. Well that was when he was still scared and timid. It didn't take him long. By day 2 he was a wild child. This SOB bites constantly and you can hardly touch him.You can't walk by without him attacking and tearing you apart. Both the dogs hate him and all they do is fight. I would post photos of the little bugger but i don't have the download cord for my camera and believe or not I don't even own a card reader at my house. Funny, i know.

Nashville Tennessee
So my sister, Trisha, and I were invited out to Nashville Tennessee to present a photography program....to other professional photographers...YIKES!! I'm terrified. I can be comfortable teaching anyone who doesn't know much or knows very little, but to teach other professional's who potentially know more then me scares the living crap out of me. We'll be gone for a week and doing 4 stops in 4 different cities. The good thing is that now days there are so many photographers out there who may have a good eye and potential but really don't know much about photography or what they're doing and need a lot of help to improve...so I PRAY the room is full of those people :). Also, because of that same reason, I'll be covering the basics that every photographer needs to know before 1. they really should call themselves a pro and 2. need to know in order to start having fun breaking the rules. Trisha is going to teach how anyone can paint their own backgrounds with some easy techniques and tips because she's a dynamite artist and does backgrounds for me all the time.

I've gone to years and years of programs and a lot of them are brag fests vs. good usable information so I hope I can present some good usable information. My theory on any program is if I can come away with one thing I can implement in my business it was worth it so hopefully I can do the same for others. I'm excited at the opportunity but really really really scared. It's a month away so I'll post how it goes!!

Operation IVF: 1 down. 2 to go.
Ok back to the only thing that I ever really post about. The elusive child. So the latest is we've done one IVF that was unsuccessful. Again it put me at rock bottom. I mean if IVF doesn't work that means I'm seriously screwed up!!! There is a lot that goes into it and a lot that can change a single IVF cycle so I'm really happy we have 2 more tries to try to get it right. So this time there were goods and there were bads. As the story goes...

The meds were reacting well. I was producing plenty of follicles. We were getting to the Egg Retrieval point and the Dr. had me do a blood test to check my progesterone. It was WAY out of control and too high. He called one Friday afternoon and said we have a few options, retrieve Sunday (which he really doesn't want to do...who wants to really work on a Sunday?) Cancel it and start over next time or something else. Well he didn't want to cancel me so Sunday it was. We got to the office at 7:00 and they put me out completely for the retrieval. Really nice for me :). I wake up Dr. said things went well, we'll call you tomorrow to let you know what the status is. (the reason i say all this is only to get to this one story) I am of course 100% out of it so the Dr. helps me to the car and Dustin opens the door and gets me in and I'm out. I woke up in Globe slightly while in the Jack in the Box drive through. Dustin asks if I want anything, I mumble get me tacos & water. I'm out again before he even gets the order. Over the Res I'm trying and trying to wake up so I can eat. I just couldn't do it. Finally outside of Bylas I think, "I can do this." I reach down for the bag and Dustin laughs and says "I ate them" What?! For real? I look at him as pissed as I can look and say as pissed as I can say "What the hell is wrong with you?" I was furious! I'd been waiting and putting forth some serious effort for those tacos. Right on cue my mom texts asking me if we needed food when we got back and I told her yes because my bastard husband ate my tacos. It is very funny now but I was soooooo mad. I blame lots of it on the drugs. I was still pretty out of it and slept most the day. He will never live that down.

Ok onto the real stuff. We had opted to pay extra for what they call the 5 day blastocyst and ICSI (the sperm is injected into the egg instead of it finding it on its own. Better chance of fertilization) So Shaheen (the lab tech) called the next day to tell me the results.

Day 1 post capture: They gathered 15 eggs. 11 of them were mature. GOOD! 9 of them fertilized. GOOD!! I was very pleased with the results. From that point he continues to monitor daily to look for the correct growth that must happen.

Day 2 post capture: Shaheen calls and say all split correctly and are moving along. GOOD!

Day 3 post capture: Still moving along as they are supposed to.

Day 4 post capture: 6 of them have seem to stop moving...there is a small chance they may have moved by morning. Not Good.

Day 5 post capture/Embryo Transfer day: 6 have stopped completely and aren't an options. 3 are left. The 3 left look like crap. They are not nearly as developed as they should be. They should make a pretty nice circle and these are all blotchy. Almost like they are trying to get there but didn't quite make it yet.

At these point we do transfer with what we have. We potentially can use 3, but at my age there are guidelines to only use 2. Dustin and I had agreed we were comfortable doing 3 and I wanted 3. The Dr ALMOST wanted 3 but talked himself out of it and I wasn't pushy enough. Basically if he gave me 3 and I got preggers with trips then the rath of the FDA would come down on him as to why he did it and it wasn't so much about that, he wasn't worried about the FDA...what it came down to is he's seen uglier embroy's implant and end up in a healthy baby. Anyway, we did 2 and it did not work. The 3rd crapped out as well and wasn't good enough quality to freeze. So what's next? We start all over again with a new cycle, new ideas and hopefully success!!! I really am sick of this and even sick of talking about it...believe it or not :)

What's been going down....

So it's been awhile so I thought to myself, "Hey self, you ought to post something to your blog." Then myself replied, "What a good thought self. You're so smart."

Baseball.....

So there really hasn't been too much exciting going on since my last post. Dustin finally switched to the good side and is helping coach Thatcher Baseball. I must say he does look good in green. Sometimes he makes me so proud. haha. The kids and parents seem to like him a lot so hopefully he keeps that up and they want him back next year.

He also coached little league with the Bro-in-law, Brandon. He came home after the first practice and I asked how his team was. He said, "Baby. It's not good." Then in the end they won 1st place. I'd have to say it's because of the fabulous coaching. Just about every parent on the team told me how much they loved Dustin coaching. He keeps in a fun and light atmosphere but teaches them at the same time and the kids love him. What can I say? He has a talent with children. They all seem to like him a lot.

I stole this picture from my cousin so hopefully she doesn't hate me for it. I wasn't at that game because Seth, Stacey's boy, had an Mt. Graham All-Star game in Morenci so I went with her so she didn't have to go alone.

Photo Credit: Brenda or John Henderson. Don't know which :)

Temple.....

At the end of June Dustin went through the temple for his own endowments. His brother Morgan went through as well so tons of his family was there and most of mine so it was pretty cool. It's also the first time I'd be back in years. We still have until our 5th anniversary before we can be sealed (Nov. 2011) so we have to wait for that but thought there was no reason we couldn't start going before then. We've contemplated doing a "destination sealing" I really really really wanted to do a destination wedding, but knew that wasn't going to work at the time so thought maybe a destination sealing would do the trick. My 1st choice would be Hawaii so we'll see. Probably won't happen because most likely no one would want to go.

PPA Print Competition 2010....

I entered the Professional Photographers of America's print competition again and did surprisingly well. I always tend to put my case together literally a week before they are due so I never expect much out of it. I think that's why I do it. Then I'm less disappointed when I don't do well. Now I'm starting to think if I can do ok a week before, imagine what could happen if I really tried! I'd probably suck! hahaha. Anyway, here are the 2 prints that merited and 1 went Loan. That's back to back years with a Loan Collection which is a pretty big accomplishment. Now I gotta make it 3 in a row....yikes!

Scored a Merit. Means it's above average. It's hard to get a merit on a portrait and this was shot from an everyday session I do. I rarely shoot for competition during my session (although I ought to)

Scored a merit and Accepted into the Loan Collection (Best of the Best & is printed in a book). This obviously was shot for competition seeing how the rocks didn't hire me for a shoot! haha.

Holladaypalloza's....

We've had a couple "family reunions" if you will this summer. Last year my mom decided she wanted to start doing a trip with her family yearly. Last year we went to Alpine for a weekend. This year we stayed at the Arizona Grand Resort for a couple days. It has a little water park and was a ton of fun. We also watched the D'Backs loose to the Yankers. Damn Yankers.

We also had the first Holladay family reunion in 4 years I think. I hadn't seen my cousins since my grandparents passed. It was a short day and 1/2 even and was basically a blast. I have pictures but I'm too lazy to post them, so imagine a bunch of crazy people having fun. That was it! (or see my facebook page for photos)

On the baby front...

Well after finally coming up with the loan to pay for the IVF we've had some struggles actually getting started. My body doesn't seem to agree with much of this baby crap (as if that isn't obvious haha). I've had another cyst and then a 65+ day cycle to throw it all off. I went on meds to straighten it all out and hopefully will be normal soon. We paid for the IVF package around Mayish and haven't got to do one full cycle yet without interruption. We HOPE that it will finally come to an end soon and we can give this a shot without interruption. It's been extremely frustrating for me to have one problem after the next. I just hope those problems are finally a thing of the past.

As of late I've found it really hard to have a good attitude about it much anymore. I hate seeing other people's baby's. It sounds bad, but I really do. I mean I've watched my friends have kids, 2 of my sisters and one sister in law each have given birth TWICE in the time I've wanted one. I'm just kind of sick of it and I try really hard to have a game face, but sometimes I just can't do it. So I either avoid the situations and steer clear of families or baby's, or just ignore them when I'm around. Bad attitude, I know, but I'm really trying to work on it. Therefore, I've come up with some recent things that I'm thankful for and have learned from this experience.

***WARNING...THIS WILL GET AWFULLY CHEESY AND OUT OF MY

NORMAL CHARACTER (Which really is slightly embarrassing. haha).

PLEASE DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME LATER. ******

1. Safety. I have made so many trips to Scottsdale to see my Dr. almost always by myself. Often at 5 or 6 a.m. Usually I drive up for a 30 min appointment and drive straight home. I'm usually wasted and not once have I even come close to being in an accident or fallen asleep. I think of how often I travel that road and it's scary! I feel blessed that I've been kept safe.

2. Faith. Heavenly Father has some crazy ways of doing things. I'll be honest, I can't say I agree with them, but trust and faith is key. I trust and have faith that what is to happen to me will happen in His own due time.

3. Tithing works! Of course, there are things I struggle with daily, but for some reason tithing has always been the easiest thing for me to do and I think it's because I know it's one thing I can be perfect at. I just write one little check and done! So easy and I never screw up! I love that feeling because there's so much more I screw up on. haha.

Well, over the last 1.5 years my faith in tithing has grown immensely. These Dr. bills have literally kicked our butts. They are so unreal. I know I say it all the time, but really when I think about what we've spent it makes me sick. I could have knocked a huge...a HUGE dent in our house payment with what we've spent. (And that's not even counting gas and food during my trips.) I have always been on top of my bills and never let my credit card carry a balance over. I will crunch the numbers every week to make sure we are within our means. And I swear by this...so many times I crunched and came up in the red. Over and over, with the same results, yet somehow when our credit card bill was due, we had enough money to cover it. I firmly believe that is due to faithfully paying tithing and even giving a generous fast offering.

4. A supportive family. The Dr. appointments are demanding and when my body says go, there's no changing that. I am lucky that I work in a business where I can make my own schedule for the most part, but I'm even luckier that when my work schedule seems to collide with an appointment that I have to make my family is there to cover for me. Poor Trisha has done more of my work in the past years then I'd care to admit. Same goes for the rest of my family. They literally say, "don't worry about it. It will be covered" Anyone who knows me and knows how I have to run everything at the studio knows I hate people doing my job and that it's something that's hard for me to let go. I've never heard any one of them complain (Ok, so my dad complain's sometimes, but that's just him. He still does it without question :) )

5. A giving family. With the financial struggles my parents have helped us out where they can. I know for a fact, if they could afford to pay for it all, they would do it for me in a heart beat, but they can't so just a little here and there has helped a lot. I never ask for it, nor do I expect it, but their small donations have made a huge difference.

6. An understanding & caring family. In a situation like this, you often get bombarded by questions/comments that are offensive and hurtful. People don't mean it, but they just don't think it through. My family rarely asks too much, yet they don't act as if nothing is going on. They stay right on the perfect line and if by chance they do cross that line, I tell them that was a stupid comment and we move on. I can't do that with every stupid comment I get from people, so it's great I can do it with family and they don't get offended or mad at me.

Also, I remember when Stacey got pregnant with Jos. Her and Brandon came over one night to tell us and she was in tears before she could even get it out. Brandon had to tell us. It meant a lot to me that she felt so bad that she was pregnant when I couldn't be. It's not her fault. She didn't need to feel bad, but it meant so much to know that she cared enough to do so and cared enough to tell me to my face instead of me hearing about it from someone else or find out by the sudden growth of a belly.

7. Technology. My heavens it's unreal what they can do! Grow a freaking embryo in a little dish, monitor it daily and know exactly the quality and what stage it is at. I'm grateful the technology exists that allows me to try these things out. Years ago I would be barren and screwed!! haha It's well worth the price I'm paying. Even if I end up empty handed in the end.

8. All the small things. Really...all the small things. My life is full and I really do have a lot that others don't. I ought be thankful for that :)

One big fat catch up post. Really...it's big and fat.

So it's been awhile....it's been a long while. I'm must admit I'm a slacker. Actually I feel like it's been a fairly busy year thus far and has no hopes of slowing down anytime soon!

December....

A good month. I saw Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds for the first time in Vegas! Good, good times. We drove up on Friday and drove back Sunday, but it was well worth the short trip. I was sick the way home so that really sucked. I tried my hardest to not pull over to throw up, but I just couldn't do it. Just outside of Wickenburg I gave in. I don't know why I didn't want to. I felt like it'd be embarrassing...as if all the cars speeding by at 80 mph were going to know who I was. Silly me. I'm just glad I was sick on the drive home and not during the shows! Heaven knows if I was I would've been in my seat with a barf bucket...so really the people who were sitting next to me ought be thankful.

Christmas was good. The Fam went on Globes version of the Polar Express. It was fun! Since I have no children, when it comes to events like this, I tend to adopt a few from my siblings. Mandy couldn't make it so Dustin and I took up Jace and Ella. They were so excited and I think Jace talked the whole way up and Ella sang. Jace of course, loves everyone. Ella used to hate everyone but her and I are "fwends" now. Ella was so afraid of Santa but she put on her brave face when he came by. She tried her hardest and succeeded at not crying when he stopped to say hi.

BFF's

Also BFF's

Jos was not feeling the train. She didn't enjoy the ride much.

January...

The best month ever!! Ok, I'm not sure about "best month ever" but at least for far this year :) hehe.

First a trip to the snow. This really isn't the highlight. I actually don't love a trip to the snow...only ever so often. Once a year is good enough for me. Again, no children of my own so this post shall highlight Stacey's Family.

Off for a lover's ride.

What Jos did the entire time.

Psycho!!

What Rhett and Dustin did the entire time.

Sugar fell off the sled.

Ok so Rhett got out once or twice to play in the snow.

Nashville...

The 2nd weekend my parents and I went to a photography convention in Nashville. Of course, when we went It was freezing! 20 degrees and snowing! It never snows there, but hey what else can I expect? We all know if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Thank goodness the entire convention was inside one building so we only left a few times to go eat.

San Francisco...

Now to the good part of January. Last summer Erin, Jenni, Luci and I got togther and decided we should go on a "turning 30" trip. (actually I think it was Erin's idea originally) Anyway, our original destination was a simple one...Las Vegas. We just planned on staying off the strip and getting a nice resort to relax at and play. Then Southwest had a deal on flights so in a short last minute decision we decided to book to San Francisco! YAY! I had never been there so I was super excited. We left on a Thursday and flew back on Sunday. Getting there turned out to be a challenge. The weather was not on our side. Good old dry AZ decided to have a huge storm the day we were flying out. Jenni and I left early and it pored on us the whole way up. At about 8:00 Luci called and said her flight from Canada was cancelled. She was trying to get on another flight. Our flight was scheduled for 10:00ish...it didn't leave until 11:00ish. Then when we got to San Fran the winds were so high we had to circle in the air for 45 mins or so. Luckily we finally landed. Also luckily Luci got on another flight. She seriously got the last seat on the plane. Once we finally got there, it was such a pleasure traveling with these ladies and we had a blast! We did all we could in a few days. My favorite was going out to Alcatraz. They seriously have the best audio tour and I'm so not an audio tour fan. We were out there at night so it was kind of creepy! My other favorite was the cab ride after Wicked (yes we went to Wicked...again). This guy was being awfully crazy and we were super giggly. I'm sure he thought we were drunk. We get to the hotel and he says "that just made my night" haha. So funny. On the way to the airport we were already talking about what to do for 40!! I can't wait!

On the Golden Gate Bridge!

"Full House" houses!

Locked away for good!!! Oh we're bad criminals.

This guy jumped from behind his branches and Luci screamed like a little girl! It was pretty much hilarious.

I thought the moss wall was cool.

It rained...A lot.

So this is on Lombard street (That one curvy one) and I think I had to stop 50 times to make it to the top. It was so steep. I need to start working out again.

Waiting for Luci at the airport after a LONG day of travel.

Our Sign we made for Luci so she could find us. The "real" people with signs didn't find us too funny. We thought we were hilarious.

Februrary...

Oh February...the bad, the good. My wonderful, selfless, best example in the world, Grandpa Green passed away. Such a sad thing, but what a great week. He wasn't doing so well so they took him to the hospital. They were certain he was going so my mom and her brothers decided to take him home so he could pass on there, with family. They brought him home on a Wednesday. My sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles...everyone was at the house nightly. It was so much fun to be together. He held on until Friday around 10:15, he finally let go. His room was filled with family and we all cried...and even laughed a little. The entire week was full of tears and laughter, but what good times brought on by sadness! Our cousin Kate was down for quite awhile and I wanted to keep her here. We spent the following week practicing for a song the grandaughters were going to sing at the service. I practiced so hard for that song. Trisha broke the parts down so we could listen to them on our ipods and I did...daily. I was so ready until go time...I got through the first section and lost it. Oh my gosh I am awful!! Then of course it's like dominos. Once one goes, everyone else usually does. Luckily Mandy was the only one who took my bait. I did get it together to finish off...kind of :) Good thing Stacey's a strong Alto. Anyway, I am a lucky gal to have had a fabulous grandpa for so many years.

Time to Bust out the big guns....

So admist all of this, of course, is our constant attempts to have a child. We did our 4th IUI in December. Of course, it didn't work. I was really betting a lot on this one. Everything seemed lined up. The fibroid was gone, the meds were working good, my body was responding well, the little swimmers were good...everything just seemed right. I was so certain. I was so wrong! What crap!! I mean really!! What the hell!?! It hit me pretty hard, but I got over it...I have no other option really :)

I met with my Dr. again and he told me so far I'm unexplained and he has no clue why I'm not working. Our last option to see if there was something wrong was for me to have another surgical procedure, a laprascopy to check for adhesions, endemetriosos and to see if I healed properly from the incision to my uterus we did last time. I did that a month or so ago and it turned up nothing. I'm an officially diagnosed as "Unexplained Infertility" There is nothing that says I shouldn't be in working order. So what do we do now? We break out the big guns. We are moving on to In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF). This is some serious business. The cost of the procedure is about 15x what an IUI is and that doesn't include any drugs or "extra's" that are available to do. Basically I could purchase a decent vehicle...instead I'm taking a chance that I might get a child instead. It's the chance part that sucks. There are obviously no guarantees, especially since we don't even have a reason for why I don't work.

We decided to do an option they call a "Cost Containment Plan" That means we pay a flat rate (drugs & extras not included) and within one year we can do 3 fresh IVF tries and the following year we can use our frozen embryo's. In each "Fresh" try he will retrieve all the matured follicles from me (which could be up to 15 he thinks.) All of those will be fertilized in the dish. Some will mature properly there and some won't. We take the embryo's that look like the very best and use a couple of them right away. The rest that have continued to develop properly, we freeze. Anytime we go through the process of retrieving the follicles and growing the embryo's is considered fresh and has a higher chance of implantation. So we can do 3 of those in one year if needed. If that doesn't work after the first year, we can work off everything we have frozen. The chances with frozen working do drop and often some don't thaw properly so some embryo's are lost. If it works on the first try, sure we over pay by a few thousand dollars. If it doesn't work then we save a lot of thousand dollars on multiple tries. I'm not very confident the first time will work so I thought this was the better option.

I'm not quite sure when we'll start. The funds have got to be aligned and as of now we only have access (through an old line of credit I opened when I got divorced) to about 60% of what we'll need. I am anxious to get started, but of course I don't want to get too excited thinking that it's going to work. I've done that all to often.