The Dreaming Tree has died...

...well almost died. Really there is a small chance it's still alive, but in my mind it has died.

I've been intentionally behind on my posts about IVF mainly because I was hoping that I could get PG then not really tell too many people until I was further along, but who am I kidding? As if me really getting pregnant is a reality. I've realized I'm better off trying to accept that it's never going to happen.

We've now done 2 IVF's. The first one really took place in July. The second one was a few weeks ago.

For the 2nd one I decided to try the power of positive thinking. I decided this time was going to work. It had to. It didn't go a ton better then the first. This time, we didn't get as many mature eggs and only 4 fertilized. By day 5 they looked better then they did last time, so that was good. I was dead set on transferring 3 no matter what the embryo quality was...I wanted 3 and was going to get 3. I won't go into any of the details, but after much discussion we ended up doing 2. I wasn't happy, but I couldn't do much about that. The 2 week wait I had literally convinced myself it worked. I stayed down for 3 days (the Dr. asks me to only do 24 hours) I could swear it was going to work. I positive thought myself right into a positive result. Really. I was so sure...until one morning. I woke up and I knew it. I knew it was negative. I could feel it in my body.

So this is serious. So serious it's scary. The 2 we didn't transfer this time didn't freeze, so we still have nothing frozen. One more try. Just one. That's really crazy to me. In less then 2 months it could all be over. We can't afford to keep dumping money into this. I'm terrified for the end and somewhat relieved all at the same time.

I terrified because I never really thought it would come to this. If you ever go through this it kind of happens in stages. You try to get pg and it doesn't work. You find acceptance that you need to see a Dr. You finally do and start basic treatments and think "ok good, it will work now." It doesn't. You have surgery and think, "ok good, it will work now." It doesn't. You get to the point where you accept that you have to try the more aggressive treatment. Again, you think, "ok good, it will work now." It doesn't. Now I am going to have to finally accept that I most likely will never have my own kids. There are no more stages...no more options. I never really thought that would be such a reality to me, but really it is. I truly believe with all my heart it is not going to happen. In fact, I believe it so much that if I didn't already have 50% of the drugs I need, I'd almost consider not doing the final cycle. (of course either way I'm sure I would end up doing it...really after what's been spent, at this point what's another $3000?) The last one was too much for me and I know this next one will be pretty much the same. I had to drive back and forth daily to either Tucson or Scottsdale and was always back by 11:30 or earlier. I was so sick of driving. I got up early so I can get there and get back to work. I worked til 9 or 10 to make up time that I missed.

I'm relieved because I can finally TRY let it go and move on. I'm not exactly sure how I plan to accomplish that because really since the last IVF I've been somewhat of a mess and on the edge of tears quit often over nothing major. I'm already a somewhat a recluse when it comes to socializing. I try to socialize but I always feel like I don't fit because generally women's conversations are about their kids or pregnancy and I don't fit. I usually go home feeling stupid. I know if I can let it go, it will be a huge relief, but I really don't know if I ever will. I'd like to not worry about it. I'd like to not think about it. I'd honestly like to not be pissed, depressed and drawn to tears every time I hear that someone else is pregnant. I don't know if I can really get to that point, but I know I'll have to. Really, I'll have no choice.

I really honestly promise to death, I am sick of feeling this way and avoiding people and their babies. It's really hard. Maybe I'll just have to work harder at it.