One Long, Boring week later

Holy boring week. I have been going crazy but one week down....one (or less) to go! YAY! 

Sitting around all day, everyday certainly isn't my bag. In fact, it has made me aware that adult contact is very important to me. I need to talk. haha. Anyway, so basically sitting at home...confined to a chair and not being able to lay flat nor sit up straight hasn't been a party, but it hasn't been awful. 

Early in the week my mom did all my laundry, cleaned lots of my house herself and brought over her cleaning lady to do some deep cleaning. She also fed me lunch everyday. So I do have to say thanks to my mother for looking out for me because if she didn't...I'm pretty sure no one would. 

Tuesday I had Trisha bring me work home so I had something to do. There's nothing on TV in the middle of the day and I haven't been tired at all like my Dr. said I would, so with the laptop and jump drives I've kept busy. 

For me the pain wasn't unbearable ever...ok well that's a lie. It hurt so freakin' bad when I sneezed and laughed (and Stacey had paybacks in mind to make me laugh as much as she could since that's what I did  to her when she had a c-section.) but other then that just getting up and down was when I felt the pain. Wednesday I took my last dose of pain meds and haven't had a problem with the pain since. Sure I may get the burning/stinging sensation when I get up, sit down or turn/reach a certain way, but really...is it that bad? No.

Rhett has walked over from Stacey's a couple times to visit. He's such an independent dork. Of course Stacey didn't know until I called her. He has a knack for sneaking out of the house...so at least I had  a consistent visitor.  

Yesterday my mom drove me to Scottsdale for my post-opt doctors visit. The Dr. was very impressive with my recovery and said everything looks good. He was surprised I didn't have any issues and really shocked when I said I hadn't been tired at all. He said at the rate I'm going he thinks I can be back to work after next week. I think he's wrong. I think I can be back to work next week...just for the little things of course. No shooting or anything crazy. He still wants me to take it easy. I will go through 2 more cycles and then we'll try again. That was exciting news for me because I was afraid we'd have to wait much longer then that (something along the lines of 4-6 months.) So probably mid December we'll be at it again. He confirmed I will have to have C-sections from here on out. Not the happiest news, but that's the way it rolls sometimes!

2 Days Post Surgery

After all the waiting I finally went into surgery at about 3:45ish I think and the Dr. didn't come out to talk to Dustin and my mom until about 5:30. I think that made my mom slightly nervous that something went wrong because pre surgery he said it'd only be an hour or so. Anyways, it all went well. I guess one of my tubes had some sort of blockage so he cleaned that out as well so maybe that added some time to the procedure.

After I started waking up I immediately wished I was still asleep. Ugh, i felt like crap. I was groggy and out of it and some guy kept asking me questions about Safford and other things and I really wanted to tell him to shut the hell up because I just wasn't in the mood for a convo. I was just really confused as to why he was talking to me. Anyways, I guess that's while they were wheeling me to my room because the next thing he told me was that I needed to get into the other bed. I was thinking, "are you kidding me? I can't move" Instead I said, "that kicked my ass" and they proceeded to move me on their own and I offered no help at all. Waiting for those meds to wear off was the worst. I hated it. I tried to keep my eyes open but it was so hard. I asked a few questions to Dustin and my mom about what the Dr. said and such but I was so out of it I don't remember much. The nurses wanted me to start drinking liquids right away so I did but it made me feel so sick. I just had water, jello and  apple juice here and there throughout the night...basically whenever I'd wake up. I think it was all too sweet or something because at about 3:30 I threw up. Luckily I hadn't drank much so there wasn't much to come up. I also would jerk every time I woke up and bend my left arm causing my IV to turn off and the machine to beep repeatedly so I had to page the nurses like 50 million times throughout the night. I felt really stupid about that.

Saturday morning they woke me up at 6:00 to remove the catheter and get me up walking. Dr.'s strict orders for me to walk every 2 hours. I was really nervous to try to move and once I started to move I realized I should be. It was hard to sit up or do anything that used my stomach muscles. Once I was up, I was ok. Just slightly light headed from the drugs i assume. After that i ate some cream of wheat and kept it down fine so the nausea was finally gone. I was walking really good on my own and everything seemed ok. I didn't have pain at all unless I was trying to move so that was good. My only problem...I hated "passed gas" Another strict rule from my Dr. I was not allowed to go home until I pooped or started tooting. He came by and said everything was good except that so they gave me a suppository (nothing like being anally raped by a very nice nurse) but it worked like a champ! After that I was ready to be released within 20 mins. Next problem? Dustin was gone. He left to go have lunch (a very late lunch) with his sister and brother. So I waited for about an hour/1.5 hours until he was back to get outta there. Finally when he said he was on his way the nurse hooked me up with 2 vicodin for the ride home. I was really nervous I'd have a hard time in the car but I didn't at all. It wasn't bad and I slept most the way.

So far I've handled the pain well. I get up and walk around all on my own. Sometimes it hurts worse then others, but as Brandon would say "I gotta learn how to do it myself eventually" As long as I'm not trying to get up or trying to get down I feel very little to no pain at all. I have been on Toradol constantly since midnight after the surgery and have only taken the vicodin occasionally. Mainly one at night to ensure I sleep well. I'm suppose to keep my body angled to ensure the scar heals as close together as it can. No laying flat or standing straight up. Hopefully the pain stay minimal like this and I can keep it under control.

Sliced and Diced!

Whoever said 3 times a charm was completely wrong. A month ago we tried an IUI one...last....time....I know I said I was going to straight to surgery after the miscarriage, but after waiting so long for my hcg to drop I didn't want to wait longer to try again and the Dr. thought we could give it a go. Well Either way I'm waiting now! After 10,921 days on this earth... That's 1560 weeks and 1 day. Which is 29 years and 328 days, including 8 leap years. (equals 29 years, 46 weeks and 6 days.) At the age of 29.90...just 36 days shy of my 30th birthday, I will be sliced open for the first time! And I thought I had a good "never had surgery" streak going too!!

I go in for surgery today at 3:30. Tuesday I talked to my Dr. about the procedure. I was in the mind frame that they would not cut me open (Partially because I read online that they don't always have to). Well my mind frame was wrong! They will do a small incision and cut through the uterus, resulting in a recovery I wasn't mentally prepared for. From the way he describes it I assume it's similar to recovering from a c-section minus the small child being removed from the body. I just have to settle for a fibroid. He says I'll be layed up for at least 4 weeks. I'm going to try my best to shorten that length. They will give me general anesthetics (put me 100% out) and I do have to stay at least one night in the hospital.

Trisha is stuck covering all my work at the studio. Poor thing. I did stay until 9:30 last night to try to get as much done as I could and totally missed the Graham County Fair. (I know! What a freakin' sacrifice! I'm so good.) Poor Dustin is stuck with all the house work (and because I've been working the past 2 Saturdays I leave him with a very messy house to clean up) The good thing is I will still be at home so I can boss him around while he does it. haha.

My nerves kicked in last night at about 5:00 and have come and gone since. Of course I trust my Dr. 100% but still...I've never been sliced open before. I'm sure it will all be fine and hopefully will solve my issues. Only time will tell.

(Oh yeah...and the title to this post comes from Dustin. Last night at my parents he says "Tomorrow my baby's going to be sliced and diced" such love and care shows. hahaha)

New York

So Jamie and Mike are now gone from New York! So Sad!! But I had to get one last trip in before they left. Of course, I made it revolve around 2 DMB shows that were at Jones Beach on Long Island. This time we stayed for a week, but I took way less pictures then last. I guess because I really wanted it to be relaxed and super chill. I had seen most major sites that I wanted to in past trips.

Just a few highlights...

Arrojo: Nick Arrojo's (from What not to Wear) salon. Unfortunatly he wasn't there working that day. Made me sad.

Tiffany: Best Jewelry Store ever. Well at least ever I've been in. It was huge and fabulous. I found a ring I want that I told Dustin he had to buy me for a big anniversary down the road. He asked me how much it was, I said I'd guess $15,000. right then an employee asked if we wanted help and Dustin, being Dustin, asked if we could see that ring. I was slightly embarrassed but put it on anyways. It was a perfect fit and cost, not $15,000, but a little less at $13,600.

We talked to the guy a bit, as he knew we were tourist, and went on our way up to the silver level...somewhere I can afford something. I decided since we spent so little on travel to NYC (free flights and free hotel) I could splurge and buy me a necklace I love. So I did!


I texted my dad and Brandon to see if they wanted me to buy their wifes something special from Tiffany. Brandon called and said, "what's that?" haha funny boy. Luckily for him, I knew his anniversary was coming up and he didn't. I had already left, but told him I'd go back to get something for Stacey. When we went back my $13,600 ring was gone. Crazy.

St. Pat's Cathedral: Last time we just walked by so this time Dustin went in to light his candle.

Grand Central Terminal: Dustin had never been there so we stopped by.

A Walk Across Brooklyn Bridge: I've always wanted to do this, but since my past trips have been in the winter, never have. It was fun! Made me want to live there and be a jogger or biker! haha. We had the best NYC pizza at Grimidali's and some fabulous ice cream.

Central Park, Turtle Pond: Although I've been to Central Park a ton, I never heard of the turtle pond. I found it in a book so we set off for it. It seemed to take forever to get there and Central Park has so many twists and turny paths we were hoping we were going in the right direction. Luckily we were and we fell right into it...unluckily it wasn't nearly as great as that book made it out to be. We saw some tiny little turtle heads. Not worth the walk.

The Bronx Zoo: Jaime, Mike, Kieralyn, Dustin and I set out for the zoo. It was fun. I do enjoy a zoo, but actually enjoyed the train ride there better. The Bronx is it's own little place and I liked seeing it passing by. At the Zoo I did take a short ride on a camel. I'm glad I don't have to ride one regularly. What a bony hump they have.

Being Sick: Yes I was sick in NYC. I was furious. The first few nights we were there I felt a slight sharp pain on my right side while going to bed. I had had this pain about a month prior and it was aweful so I was hoping it didn't come back. Well all hopes went away Thursday Morning. I woke up at about 4:30 with the sharpest pain. It hurt so bad it was unreal. I decided to take some pain meds, which ended up a not so good idea. I took them, laid back down and within 30 mins knew I had to throw up. I fought and fought, but lost. I hoped after that initial trip to the bathroom I'd feel better...at least as far as throwing up goes. I didn't. All day I barfed and felt pain in my side. I was able to sleep most the day and around 4 ate some crackers and small sips of soda. I was doing quite well until I decided to take pain meds again. It all came back up. Finally I gave up on meds and around 6 or so I was feeling way better. had some soup for dinner and was fine by morning. Thank goodness! I was already mad enough I had missed out on one day. 2 would be too much.

Food!!! So I wanted to eat everything in NYC this time!! We decided to go to Papaya King for some Hot dogs, to compare them with Gray's Papaya. I have to say I am a Papaya King fan. So Good! Since I was sick, most my eating expeditions ended up on the last day. I found this hole in the wall Crepe shop. Oh how I LOVE a crepe. So Yummy. I wish I went there everyday for one. Then there was this place called "Rice to Riches" that severed only rice pudding in all flavors. Only in NYC! I loved it. We got caramel. Then Dustin wanted come cuban food so Jamie knew of place that was more Cuban/Mexican, but again...super good. I could eat there daily. They had this grilled corn on the cob rolled in some kind of cheese and chili powder.

And of course...DMB! Great shows, good venue. It was set right on the ocean, so that's cool and was a small venue and that's always good. Fabulous shows, of course.


Every time I to go NYC I just think I could live here. I really good. I do love the small town, but there's something about that place that draws me in. Everything about it I love. We had a ton of fun and I can't wait to go back....someday! Thank you to Jaime and Mike for letting us invade for a week so close to moving time!

The Good...followed by the bad....

So...on Friday June 5th I got the official test results. I'm Pregnant! Although I was scheduled to do my blood test on Friday, I decided to take a home pregnancy test on Wed., but I guess it was too early and it was negative. I decided to test again Thursday. I did the test and then noticed a slight amount of blood on the toilet paper. I thought, dang! Here's my period. Then in a few mins later I looked at the test and it said yes. It was one of those digital tests that say "yes" or "no". I was shocked. I actually didn't believe it at all. I carried the stick around with me most the morning so I could keep looking at it as I hurried to get ready for work. I wanted to stop by Wal-greens on my way to work and buy a new box. I was certain I had got a faulty test. I got to work early and tested again. Positive again. Still shocked! I was still extremely reserved about telling anyone, so I decided not to even tell Dustin until I got the yes from the Dr.'s office. I woke up early Friday morning to get to the lab right at 7 when they open. The Dr.'s office called at 11:45 with a yes. I was so excited! I wanted to wait til I got home to tell Dustin, but really I couldn't. At about the time he'd be getting off work I sent him a text telling him the Dr. called. He called me back and said what? I said the Dr. called. He asked what he said. I said the test was positive. He was shocked as well. I sent text messages to my sisters. In reality, I wouldn't want to tell anyone at that point, but the fact is they all knew I was being tested that day so it was inevitable. I had to tell them, and honestly I was so shocked and excited that I wanted to tell everyone, but I still feared the worse. I mean, I just got a positive. That didn't place me in the clear. It just made me more nervous and more worried then ever.

So when I talked to the Dr. they told me I needed to do another test Tuesday to make sure my numbers were doubling properly. Tuesday couldn't come fast enough. It finally did and the results came back great! At this point I had been spotting on and off since Thursday. I told the Dr. that and he thought it was a possibility of Strep so instead of me driving up there for a test, he just put me on an antibiotic...just in case. The spotting worried me, but with the test results and a lot of Internet research I decided it was easily normal and I needed to relax. Many woman spot. It's not abnormal at all. So with that same phone call I scheduled an appointment with my RE to do the first ultra sound and check for my baby's heartbeat on Friday June 26th. I still wanted to wait to tell anyone other then family. Dustin had told his family and I told mine. Which was more then enough for me. I knew I couldn't hold out on everyone for too long, people know and people are concerned and wondering, but since I didn't blog about my last cycle I thought I could get away with holding it off...at least until that June 26th date where I could hear my baby's heartbeat. Well...it's June 15th...

Yesterday was going to be a good day. I woke up to NO spotting. Saturday was the same. Nothing. I was finally starting to feel comfortable with the pregnancy. One full day without spotting and the start of another without. Woo!!! I went to choir practice and came home, as always. Dustin was already at church for an Elders Quorum Presidency meeting. I decided to go to the bathroom before church. I was spotting...but this time it was bright red. This worried me. I put on a liner and again jumped online to google other woman's experiences. I got wrapped up in that and was late to church. When I got there Dustin was getting ready to go home to see if I was ok. He knows I hate being late to church and I'm rarely, if ever, late. I sat through, what ended up a rather quick sacrament meeting. After sacrament I felt wet...but it was hot in there. Liv was on my lap most the meeting (her usual spot during church) playing with Dustin. So with that combination it could easily be sweat. I sat through Primary opening exercises. My right side started to feel a sharp pain. Not awful...nothing above my pain tolerance. Just a constant sharpness. This got me worried. After that I got my class to the room and told them to behave while I went to the bathroom. The liner was pretty well soaked with blood. I freaked out. Broke down right there in the stall. I tried, but couldn't get it under control. I felt the worse coming on...I knew it. Luckily Stacey is in the primary presidency and she was sitting in the back of the primary room. As discreetly as I could I called her out, still balling. She took my class (or someone did) and found Dustin to send him home so I could leave. I cried the whole way home. I was scared to death and I just felt wrong. I got home and Dustin was right behind me. When I got to the bathroom at home, there really wasn't any more bleeding. It was about 2:10ish maybe. The pain was somewhat still there, but subsided a bit. Still easily within my pain tolerance. I laid on the couch to relax, but still really worried. It was about 3:30, when church was to be out and I hadn't felt like I was bleeding while I laid there but I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, so naturally I did. I got to the bathroom and the pad had one little tiny drop of blood. I thought wow. I completely overreacted. I even felt somewhat silly. I peed...I looked down. Blood was everywhere. I couldn't see to the toilets bottom at all. It seriously seemed like pure blood. I broke down and right then I knew it was over. Brandon came over and him and Dustin gave me a blessing. I wasn't looking for a miracle. I was looking for a blessing of strength. That's what I got. Just what I needed. Mandy took me down to do an ultrasound to see if she could see anything. There was nothing that pointed to the positive or the negative. It was indifferent. I called my Dr. and he wanted me at the office first thing in the morning. So Dustin called his boss telling him he wouldn't be to work the next day and we packed our bags Sunday and went to Mesa.

I tried my hardest to think positive. Dustin kept saying he thought it'd all be ok...but he didn't see the blood. The pain kept solid through most afternoon and the night, but still easily within my pain tolerance. It wasn't this awful "I'm going to die!" pain. In fact I've had monthly cramps way worse then this. I cried on and off the entire way up.

We stayed at my cousin's. They just had a baby through an IUI. In fact, that is who referred me to this Dr. So it was good to see them happy. Phil is a nut job so he kept me laughing til I went to bed. Even when I went to bed crying, he kept me laughing a bit. Him and Dustin stayed up looking at stuff online and every few minutes I'd hear their laughs and it made me laugh.

We went to the Dr. and he couldn't tell anything from an ultrasound. After the appointment I went straight to the lab to do another test. If my hCG levels are not at 2080 then it's a miscarriage. Well they were at 800. I miscarried. Wow. And I thought I felt bad when I didn't get pregnant the first time. I can't even explain how I feel. I guess like I've lost a piece of me. Like I literally flushed it down the toilet. My family...Dustin...everyone did really good at trying to make me feel hopeful. And honestly, I really was doing a decent job at keeping a positive attitude. I wasn't going to let this tear me down...no matter what the results were...yet now I find myself trying to figure out how to deal with it. One minute I'm not going to be at home wallowing in self pity. Then the next minute the smallest thing sets me to tears.

I am lucky to have great support from everyone around me. Stacey brought me dinner tonight (as if I couldn't make myself a bean burrito. ha!) but it was nice of her. My favorite friend gave me a necklace a few years ago....a ring that says courage on it. I've been wearing it daily since after my 1st failed IUI as a reminder. She gave it to me years ago because she said I had a lot of courage for what I'd be through...but I don't think she was right. Right now I feel anything except courage...but I'll continue to wear it to remind me to do better. I feel lost. Emotional Pain. Confused. Cheated. Broken. Anger. The worst kind of sad I've ever felt in my life. I feel afraid. Afraid to try again. Afraid to lose again. Yet amongst all those bad things...I feel happy. I feel lucky. I feel hope. I mean, at least I can get pregnant, right? It could be worse. It could have never worked for me and it did. That really has been an accomplishment and a huge step forward, despite this huge step back. I am truly grateful for that. It truly gives me hope for the future.

Our next step is to test until my hCG levels are back to zero. I read online that can take 5-6 weeks. Once we reach that point I suppose we'll meet and decide what to do next. I'm not sure if we'll remove the fibroid or just try again. I just can't wait until it doesn't hurt so bad...

Awards!

So another AzPPA convention has come and gone. It was my last one that I will be heavily involved in for awhile! No more monthly board meetings in Phoenix for me. So that was a relief. 

So with an AzPPA Convention comes Print Competition! This year I was certain I wouldn't be entering. During our down time at the studio I didn't take the time to work on my prints and in April/May we were extremely busy. I was planning on it being a miss year, but nooooo. My parents were insistent I enter. So after I was insistent that they select the images I'd enter, I finally started working on them exactly a week and one day before judging. I spent the entire Saturday at the studio working on them...and a few needed quite a bit of work. We'll usually print more then we can enter (6) just because sometimes it looks good on screen but ends up not so good in life. I was so sick of retouching I just did 6. Then Sunday we realized one of the images couldn't be entered so I decided just to enter 5. Well Monday morning I thought what the heck and pulled one last file (a senior portrait) and probably in 20 mins retouched it, enhanced it and sent it off to be printed. I thought it'd be nothing special, but I had time. Off that print I ended up getting a Kodak Gallery Award! Figures, right? I bust my butt all day on the others, but the one I spend NO time on does the best. I ended up with two 2nd place prints, a top 10 photographer in AZ award and the Gallery. I was pleasantly surprised considering my lack of preparation. The funny thing is, the senior wasn't sure he was even going to graduate. The idea of them doing a session was a last minute thought....just in case. Although I'm happy to report he did graduate (well at least he was listed with the seniors in the courier) Anyways, here are the prints...

"Battery Park View"

Scored an 81

"Lavender Blue"

Scored an 81

2nd Place in the Illustrative Category

Judges Choice

"Jenni"

Scored an 80

"Native American Champion"

2nd Place Portrait Category

Kodak Gallery Award

TOP TEN!

KODAK GALLERY AWARD!

2nd Place Illustrative

2nd Place Portrait

My Ovaries Hate Me....

First we go back to my last cycle. My Dr.'s plan was for me to produce 3-4 eggs. For those who don't know (because I didn't) a woman produces Follicles. You can produce a ton of them, but only the big ones will actually end up as fertilize-able eggs. After being on drugs for a week, I go in on a Thursday for an ultrasound to see how they're working. Dr. says, "Look at all those follicles. Beautiful" So I'm like great. Looks good. He plans out the rest of my plan. I go back Saturday. Everything still looks ok. He picks Wednesday for the IUI. I go back Monday. We discover I'm stalling out....the 4 biggest follicles weren't getting any bigger. In fact, the two on my left side got smaller (along with a lot of others getting smaller) So we push back the IUI and push up the drugs. I go in Wednesday. He starts the ultra sound and told me I had 6 small follicles on my right side and his exact words were "that's not what we want" when he looked at my left side there were 8 small follicles, so I said "I bet that's not what we want either." He said, "no. in fact, hell no" At that point we can't push drugs any more, we gotta Trigger and make me ovulate. So we do and Friday we did the IUI. So in the end I had 2 eggs which were both on my right side.

So today I go in for my CD3 ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are "quiet." What is a quiet ovary you say? Well last cycle I'd say I don't know! I just know it's what I want. Well apparently this time I have "a not so quiet ovary." I have a cyst. A cyst = a not quiet ovary. So not only did my body refuse to produce 3-4 good follicles by giving me only 2...it opted not to release one of those 2 for fertlization. So I have a big fat follicle cyst on my right side. How big and fat? I don't know. Not outrageously huge I don't think. (although it looked huge to me on the screen). Of course my left side is nice and quiet, of course it opted not to even participate last cycle so it'd freakin' better be quiet!! Either way, in the end without 2 quiet ovaries we can't do another IUI this cycle. I have to do a Trigger Shot near my natural ovulation time in hopes that will make the cyst release. So we wait another month. Hopefully it works or I'll we'll be waiting another month or longer.

So I my best efforts to not be overly negative I look too the bright side....

1. No more needles for a month! Yay!

2. No more bruised belly! Yay!

3. I don't have to drive to Scottsdale every other day and turn around to drive straight back in order to get back to work.

4. It's a super busy time at the studio...work won't suffer because I'm gone and I won't end up having to do serious overtime to make up for time I'm gone.

5. My bank account gets to breathe a HUGE sigh of relief. We have a break to get saved up for the next set of meds.

6. Little Willis (my car) can be clean! No more bugs on the windshield and fast food bags laying everywhere. Poor thing is trashed.

7. I don't have to do blood work!

8. My house won't get neglected and MIGHT stay clean for an entire month.

Ok so that's all I can come up with. I was really hoping for a top 10, but I guess I'll settle for 8!!!

A failure.....

A Failure. That pretty much sums up how I feel today. Along with useless, broken, worthless, etc. Today was confirmed what I really already knew. I'm not PG. I had my first IUI (artificial insemination) Friday the 27th. Today I was graced with the presence of a good friend who never abandons me. The only problem is I don't like her. Apparently she likes me a lot considering she comes back month after month.

Really it wasn't shocking to me. I knew it was coming. After 4 days of negative PG tests along with the fact that not a single cell in my body made me feel I was PG, I KNEW "she" was due. Really "she" was due Thursday. The lateness of her arrival just gave me false hope. Just like it has many times before. I'm usually used to it and expect it, but with the IUI this was new. I thought, "Maybe...just maybe." Of course I'd say out loud to those around me that I wasn't hopeful, and really, I meant it. I wasn't hopeful. I didn't expect the best. I expected what I got. Nothing. But as much as you tell everyone around you you're not hopeful, inside....well you're hopeful. Like I said, with an IUI this was new. It was hope. I was certain a week after the procedure I wasn't PG. I told my sisters that, Dustin, I was certain. I could feel my body getting ready like it does every month. Typical symptoms before "she" arrives. Still the hope inside didn't die.

Tuesday I decided to take a PG test. 2 days before "she" should be here. Negative. I cried, of course. What else was I supposed to do? Then I got it together and thought "Ok, so maybe my hCG levels aren't high enough yet. I'll try tomorrow." Wednesday. Negative. Funny. I cried again. As if I didn't expect it. Thursday. Negative. Tears. Friday. Negative.

By Friday I was done. I was done peeing on a stick followed by tears. I was done hoping. My hope was gone. There wasn't an ounce of it in me. Friday was my day to go to the lab to get my blood work done. The Dr. doesn't rely on pee sticks for a positive pregnancy. Either way, after all my pee sticks and how I felt, I decided I wasn't going. Why go spend yet another few hundred on a test when I know what the results are? So I cleaned. My mom called around 10:30 to see if I did it. I told her I wasn't going to. She told me how I never know, I still could be PG. After talking to her I realized that the Dr. probably wouldn't be happy that I didn't do it and....well I was revived with yet another small feeling of hope. So I bucked up and went to the lab.

I never got the results yesterday. I must have done it too late in the day for them to get to my Dr. Either way, I didn't need them. I got the results today which is an undeniable negative. Again, Shocked? No. But I still spent the morning crying.

I know this whole explanation seems very dramatic. I don't write this for pity. I hate pity. I think it's therapeutic for me to put down how I feel. It's not like it's the end of the road for me. I go in Monday to start from the beginning again. But it's like I read on a website somewhere. It never gets easier. With each cycle it gets harder. This cycle has been my hardest yet. I really thought this would be it for me. I hate to admit that really. But I did. I thought it would work. This next time I won't be so naive to think so.

I'm in love with another man...and he's gay...

So I've always been a pretty big American Idol fan. There are the years I didn't watch much of, but generally I've watched most of it very faithfully. There have been those contestants I like...that I think are good, but never ever ever have I been such a fan of someone as I am this year. I LOVE Adam Lambert. He is so freakin' amazing I can't believe it. I've downloaded his stuff off iTunes cause I love his voice (except his performance of "Tracks of My Tears" was so fabulous and then they screwed it completely for his studio release. That made me mad.) Anyways, yes I had to blog that. So really, I'm not really "In Love with him", but in love with him. I just think he's fabulous.

An Update....

Well the other day Camille, Preston's girlfriend, told me she checked my blog all the time for an update. Since she did I thought, well maybe others do too. There's been nothing to update until now, so here it is. 

Yesterday I went to an appointment. We went over how the pills were doing and everything is good. So now we get down to business. Yikes! He gave me my prescriptions for Fertility Meds. They don't look pretty. I have 4 I'm ordering from an England Pharmacy (they are much cheaper from there) and one from an American Pharmacy. Of the five, one of them is a tablet taken orally and the other 4 are injections. I must stick myself with a needle. Well, actually from the moment he started talking needles I made up my mind I would not stick myself with a needle...someone else will have to do it. I really don't think I can pull it off. When I get blood taken it's not a huge deal, doesn't hurt, doesn't bother me, but I can't stand to watch the needle go in. I always have to look away. Anyways, so some poor sap in my family will get stuck doing it. haha! Most likely my dad or Mandy...I think they're the only ones with the guts. 

I don't have all the details on how it will work yet. He worked me up a plan, but hasn't' giving it to me yet. In a couple weeks I'll go in and do some tests and then start these meds. From what I gather so far it seems I'll start with one drug and will do 2 injections per day. Then the other injections don't start until a week or so later and MOST of them seem to be something I'd do maybe 1 -5 days sometimes twice a day sometimes once. They'll start what they think my dosage should be then monitor and do tests then adjust the dosage accordingly. Then whenever I ovulate we'll do the insemination procedure. 

I'm actually really nervous about this! I know, it's not a huge deal, people stick themselves with needles everyday, but I'm not looking forward to it. There shouldn't be too many side effects, I will get bruising around some injections, a burning aching feeling for 15-20 mins after the injection and just a little bump or an itchy patch with some. Well and of course the obvious known side effects of hormone drugs...I'll be a complete an uncontrollable witch! So watch out! haha. 

So none of this really sounds like much fun, and really the entire "being infertile" process hasn't been fun, but really when it comes down to it I feel really lucky to have the option to try these procedures. When I first went to the Dr. I was scared to death he'd tell me I was broken and would never have kids. So the fact that I can, I just have to work at it, is something I'm really grateful for. We'll now just have to see how it all turns out.

The Cruise.

My parents have been talking for years that they wanted to take the family (adults only) on a trip somewhere. Finally (thanks to much research and dedication by Stacey) it happened. They decided to take everyone on a cruise! Well, they TRIED to take Everyone one a cruise...Trevor and Jen couldn't find a babysitter...or some silly reason like that and chose not to go. The rest of us took full advantage of the situation.

We got to New Orleans Sat. night so we went to bourbon street and ate. Sunday we went to church and French Quarter and then me and Dustin went back to the hotel room because he had to watch the Cardinals game. I wasn't very happy about that at all. I should've made him go alone! I've been to New Orleans a couple times before so I'd seen it all, but I still don't like the idea of being somewhere else and spending the day in a hotel. At least it was a good game.

Our cruise left Monday afternoon. First day on the boat we looked around, Dustin played blackjack (which became a reoccurance each day) and I tried sushi! I've never had it before and it was acutally good if I put out of my mind was I was eating. That evening we were sitting on the top, front of the boat waiting to get out of the Mississippi. We were so certain we'd hit ocean at any second. Well my dad came up with his GPS and burst our bubble telling us we had hours ahead of us in the Mississippi and we wouldn't be out of it until after Midnight.

The first day at sea was rough...the boat was a rockin' and not for any good reasons :P. haha. It was choppy choppy water. I woke up feeling unease so we ate breakfast...and I still felt bad. I took a pill and it came up 10 mins later. After that I took anohter pill and was fine the rest of the day. My mom got pretty sick, but everyone else was ok. I'm just glad I tried my sushi the night before! That day we stayed on the pool deck, did some hot tubbin' and Dustin probably played blackjack.

Our first stop in Progreso, Mex. we went to the Dzibilchaltun Myan Ruins. Those were fun. The boys went swimming in a fresh water well they had there. And we had some killer mexican food before we headed back to the boat. Second stop was Cozumel, Mex. It was really pretty. We did a adventure park/zip line/snorkel thing and then just hung out on the beach (dustin and brandon snorkled most the time)

Luckily our day at sea back to New Orleans was nothing like the way out. The ocean was our friend this time.

So now, really the real reason anyone looks at a blog...pictures!

Brandon Let Bourbon St get the best of him...don't tell the bishop.

A picture of us together outside the Hustler club after Dustin FINALY came out of there...geez he was in there for hours! haha

Church In New Orleans...Everyone had to repent of their misdoings the night before

Aren't they cute lovers?

On the boat waiting to set sail.

Mandy tyring her Sushi.

After we practice our drill we had to do in case we sunk.

"Near, Far, Where ever you are" Dustin and Mark looking at the Mississippi Titanic Style.

There are people with cameras taking your picture constantly to sell. Well this is one they took of Dustin and Brandon. What dorks.

They wouldn't pose again for me to get the shot.

Dzibilchaltun Ruins

Maybe the boat was rockin' for a reason after all.....

Me Trying to climb the walls. It was too hard until I freaked out I was too high. Then the guy kept pulling me higher! Punk.

Could My dad look like a bigger Nerd? Seriously.

Dustin and Mersin, our M'aitre D. He was this small little thing.
Funny guy with a funny little accent..
"Hello, How was your Dinner! How was your Service!"

And the last night I realized I didn't take any pics of our towel animals! So I sent up the timer for one of us with this one.

I've put this post off forever because I intended on getting more pics from my family to add, but that's going to be awhile. We had a fun time, but were super happy to get on dry land. For a week after that my I felt like I was rockin' back and forth. It took awhile to get used to it. Fun Times!