The Good...followed by the bad....

So...on Friday June 5th I got the official test results. I'm Pregnant! Although I was scheduled to do my blood test on Friday, I decided to take a home pregnancy test on Wed., but I guess it was too early and it was negative. I decided to test again Thursday. I did the test and then noticed a slight amount of blood on the toilet paper. I thought, dang! Here's my period. Then in a few mins later I looked at the test and it said yes. It was one of those digital tests that say "yes" or "no". I was shocked. I actually didn't believe it at all. I carried the stick around with me most the morning so I could keep looking at it as I hurried to get ready for work. I wanted to stop by Wal-greens on my way to work and buy a new box. I was certain I had got a faulty test. I got to work early and tested again. Positive again. Still shocked! I was still extremely reserved about telling anyone, so I decided not to even tell Dustin until I got the yes from the Dr.'s office. I woke up early Friday morning to get to the lab right at 7 when they open. The Dr.'s office called at 11:45 with a yes. I was so excited! I wanted to wait til I got home to tell Dustin, but really I couldn't. At about the time he'd be getting off work I sent him a text telling him the Dr. called. He called me back and said what? I said the Dr. called. He asked what he said. I said the test was positive. He was shocked as well. I sent text messages to my sisters. In reality, I wouldn't want to tell anyone at that point, but the fact is they all knew I was being tested that day so it was inevitable. I had to tell them, and honestly I was so shocked and excited that I wanted to tell everyone, but I still feared the worse. I mean, I just got a positive. That didn't place me in the clear. It just made me more nervous and more worried then ever.

So when I talked to the Dr. they told me I needed to do another test Tuesday to make sure my numbers were doubling properly. Tuesday couldn't come fast enough. It finally did and the results came back great! At this point I had been spotting on and off since Thursday. I told the Dr. that and he thought it was a possibility of Strep so instead of me driving up there for a test, he just put me on an antibiotic...just in case. The spotting worried me, but with the test results and a lot of Internet research I decided it was easily normal and I needed to relax. Many woman spot. It's not abnormal at all. So with that same phone call I scheduled an appointment with my RE to do the first ultra sound and check for my baby's heartbeat on Friday June 26th. I still wanted to wait to tell anyone other then family. Dustin had told his family and I told mine. Which was more then enough for me. I knew I couldn't hold out on everyone for too long, people know and people are concerned and wondering, but since I didn't blog about my last cycle I thought I could get away with holding it off...at least until that June 26th date where I could hear my baby's heartbeat. Well...it's June 15th...

Yesterday was going to be a good day. I woke up to NO spotting. Saturday was the same. Nothing. I was finally starting to feel comfortable with the pregnancy. One full day without spotting and the start of another without. Woo!!! I went to choir practice and came home, as always. Dustin was already at church for an Elders Quorum Presidency meeting. I decided to go to the bathroom before church. I was spotting...but this time it was bright red. This worried me. I put on a liner and again jumped online to google other woman's experiences. I got wrapped up in that and was late to church. When I got there Dustin was getting ready to go home to see if I was ok. He knows I hate being late to church and I'm rarely, if ever, late. I sat through, what ended up a rather quick sacrament meeting. After sacrament I felt wet...but it was hot in there. Liv was on my lap most the meeting (her usual spot during church) playing with Dustin. So with that combination it could easily be sweat. I sat through Primary opening exercises. My right side started to feel a sharp pain. Not awful...nothing above my pain tolerance. Just a constant sharpness. This got me worried. After that I got my class to the room and told them to behave while I went to the bathroom. The liner was pretty well soaked with blood. I freaked out. Broke down right there in the stall. I tried, but couldn't get it under control. I felt the worse coming on...I knew it. Luckily Stacey is in the primary presidency and she was sitting in the back of the primary room. As discreetly as I could I called her out, still balling. She took my class (or someone did) and found Dustin to send him home so I could leave. I cried the whole way home. I was scared to death and I just felt wrong. I got home and Dustin was right behind me. When I got to the bathroom at home, there really wasn't any more bleeding. It was about 2:10ish maybe. The pain was somewhat still there, but subsided a bit. Still easily within my pain tolerance. I laid on the couch to relax, but still really worried. It was about 3:30, when church was to be out and I hadn't felt like I was bleeding while I laid there but I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, so naturally I did. I got to the bathroom and the pad had one little tiny drop of blood. I thought wow. I completely overreacted. I even felt somewhat silly. I peed...I looked down. Blood was everywhere. I couldn't see to the toilets bottom at all. It seriously seemed like pure blood. I broke down and right then I knew it was over. Brandon came over and him and Dustin gave me a blessing. I wasn't looking for a miracle. I was looking for a blessing of strength. That's what I got. Just what I needed. Mandy took me down to do an ultrasound to see if she could see anything. There was nothing that pointed to the positive or the negative. It was indifferent. I called my Dr. and he wanted me at the office first thing in the morning. So Dustin called his boss telling him he wouldn't be to work the next day and we packed our bags Sunday and went to Mesa.

I tried my hardest to think positive. Dustin kept saying he thought it'd all be ok...but he didn't see the blood. The pain kept solid through most afternoon and the night, but still easily within my pain tolerance. It wasn't this awful "I'm going to die!" pain. In fact I've had monthly cramps way worse then this. I cried on and off the entire way up.

We stayed at my cousin's. They just had a baby through an IUI. In fact, that is who referred me to this Dr. So it was good to see them happy. Phil is a nut job so he kept me laughing til I went to bed. Even when I went to bed crying, he kept me laughing a bit. Him and Dustin stayed up looking at stuff online and every few minutes I'd hear their laughs and it made me laugh.

We went to the Dr. and he couldn't tell anything from an ultrasound. After the appointment I went straight to the lab to do another test. If my hCG levels are not at 2080 then it's a miscarriage. Well they were at 800. I miscarried. Wow. And I thought I felt bad when I didn't get pregnant the first time. I can't even explain how I feel. I guess like I've lost a piece of me. Like I literally flushed it down the toilet. My family...Dustin...everyone did really good at trying to make me feel hopeful. And honestly, I really was doing a decent job at keeping a positive attitude. I wasn't going to let this tear me down...no matter what the results were...yet now I find myself trying to figure out how to deal with it. One minute I'm not going to be at home wallowing in self pity. Then the next minute the smallest thing sets me to tears.

I am lucky to have great support from everyone around me. Stacey brought me dinner tonight (as if I couldn't make myself a bean burrito. ha!) but it was nice of her. My favorite friend gave me a necklace a few years ago....a ring that says courage on it. I've been wearing it daily since after my 1st failed IUI as a reminder. She gave it to me years ago because she said I had a lot of courage for what I'd be through...but I don't think she was right. Right now I feel anything except courage...but I'll continue to wear it to remind me to do better. I feel lost. Emotional Pain. Confused. Cheated. Broken. Anger. The worst kind of sad I've ever felt in my life. I feel afraid. Afraid to try again. Afraid to lose again. Yet amongst all those bad things...I feel happy. I feel lucky. I feel hope. I mean, at least I can get pregnant, right? It could be worse. It could have never worked for me and it did. That really has been an accomplishment and a huge step forward, despite this huge step back. I am truly grateful for that. It truly gives me hope for the future.

Our next step is to test until my hCG levels are back to zero. I read online that can take 5-6 weeks. Once we reach that point I suppose we'll meet and decide what to do next. I'm not sure if we'll remove the fibroid or just try again. I just can't wait until it doesn't hurt so bad...