A failure.....

A Failure. That pretty much sums up how I feel today. Along with useless, broken, worthless, etc. Today was confirmed what I really already knew. I'm not PG. I had my first IUI (artificial insemination) Friday the 27th. Today I was graced with the presence of a good friend who never abandons me. The only problem is I don't like her. Apparently she likes me a lot considering she comes back month after month.

Really it wasn't shocking to me. I knew it was coming. After 4 days of negative PG tests along with the fact that not a single cell in my body made me feel I was PG, I KNEW "she" was due. Really "she" was due Thursday. The lateness of her arrival just gave me false hope. Just like it has many times before. I'm usually used to it and expect it, but with the IUI this was new. I thought, "Maybe...just maybe." Of course I'd say out loud to those around me that I wasn't hopeful, and really, I meant it. I wasn't hopeful. I didn't expect the best. I expected what I got. Nothing. But as much as you tell everyone around you you're not hopeful, inside....well you're hopeful. Like I said, with an IUI this was new. It was hope. I was certain a week after the procedure I wasn't PG. I told my sisters that, Dustin, I was certain. I could feel my body getting ready like it does every month. Typical symptoms before "she" arrives. Still the hope inside didn't die.

Tuesday I decided to take a PG test. 2 days before "she" should be here. Negative. I cried, of course. What else was I supposed to do? Then I got it together and thought "Ok, so maybe my hCG levels aren't high enough yet. I'll try tomorrow." Wednesday. Negative. Funny. I cried again. As if I didn't expect it. Thursday. Negative. Tears. Friday. Negative.

By Friday I was done. I was done peeing on a stick followed by tears. I was done hoping. My hope was gone. There wasn't an ounce of it in me. Friday was my day to go to the lab to get my blood work done. The Dr. doesn't rely on pee sticks for a positive pregnancy. Either way, after all my pee sticks and how I felt, I decided I wasn't going. Why go spend yet another few hundred on a test when I know what the results are? So I cleaned. My mom called around 10:30 to see if I did it. I told her I wasn't going to. She told me how I never know, I still could be PG. After talking to her I realized that the Dr. probably wouldn't be happy that I didn't do it and....well I was revived with yet another small feeling of hope. So I bucked up and went to the lab.

I never got the results yesterday. I must have done it too late in the day for them to get to my Dr. Either way, I didn't need them. I got the results today which is an undeniable negative. Again, Shocked? No. But I still spent the morning crying.

I know this whole explanation seems very dramatic. I don't write this for pity. I hate pity. I think it's therapeutic for me to put down how I feel. It's not like it's the end of the road for me. I go in Monday to start from the beginning again. But it's like I read on a website somewhere. It never gets easier. With each cycle it gets harder. This cycle has been my hardest yet. I really thought this would be it for me. I hate to admit that really. But I did. I thought it would work. This next time I won't be so naive to think so.